she woke up with a sticky ear
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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