One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
