i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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