So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
