I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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