The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
vagina is talking i cant
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
