Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Randomize
