remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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