I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
