Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
