god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
