she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
