Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
