I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
