The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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