i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
