I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
