I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
