Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
