yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
this just has baby written all over it
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
