I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
