if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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