Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
