I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
