Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
