So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
