There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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