Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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