I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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