if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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