During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
