I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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