I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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