Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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