This is not my ceiling
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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