yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
