I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
