Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
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