dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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