I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
