I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My liver just had a heart attack.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
