Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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