I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
