I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
