new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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