I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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