Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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