On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
