Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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