4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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